Coward or Hero?

I have walked through so many ways in this life. The way I went down couple days ago was not easy. Not only my body was weak, but also my soul was so tired. There were times when there were flashes in my mind, I wanted to quit, released my soul free. I felt this path was too hard, this burden was too heavy for me. It was never easy for me to accept what my eyes could see. I wished everything was better and lighter. I wished I stepped on different path.

On my sleep two days ago, I dreamt something ‘dark’, something that I may never do in real world, something that only exists in my crazy thoughts. It was something that will perhaps make my friends shout ‘You are nuts, wake up, m*ron!’ and my parents say ‘You are not our son anymore!’ or maybe cry over their son.

I just wanna be free. Free to speak out what’s inside, never care what people talk on me, not give a rat ass on what people think nor people want for me. I wish I had enough courage to do what I wanted to. I wanna rebel, a rebellion that has existed for years in my mind. But still, I’m a coward.

Yeah, indeed, I’m a coward. I can’t stand on my rebellion while I hurt my parents’ heart, especially my mum’s. I’m afraid of bad thoughts people put on me. I am too scared facing that I will not be accepted. I hate to be judged that I am a freak, though indeed, I really am. I am not strong enough to stick the dark label on my head. I can barely put my head up high when people smirk on me.

What’s bad? What’s good? How can I decide black and white? When I say white lies, is it truly white? I maybe know what’s right and not. But I’m never sure what’s best for me.

I do understand, there are always choices for me. Whether I let this tiger soar or I just lock it deep in my heart. It’s my choice to be a hero or a coward for my self. For now I’m not ready to be a hero. Meanwhile let me be just the way I am now.